🐶 “Centerfolds Clipped: When a Strip Club Fails and Golf Wins—Welcome to Superior”

City Clowncil Meeting June 17th 2025  Golf Committees, Strip Club Denials, and Mayor Paine’s Magical Mystery Tour of Pointless Panels

Welcome to another episode of “Superior: Where Time Goes to Die”, brought to you by Mayor Jim Paine—the man who never met a committee he couldn’t invent out of sheer boredom or a need to pretend he’s governing.

While the council tied itself in a bureaucratic knot over whether a strip club open for 20 hours a year should serve alcohol (spoiler: nope), Mayor Paine was busy sprinkling more make-believe into his favorite municipal sandbox: committees nobody asked for.

🍑 Strip Club Shutdown: We’ll Get There, Probably Not

Let’s recap the real issue of the night. Centerfolds Cabaret came to the council like a guy with no pants trying to get into the opera—underprepared, overconfident, and very confused about what “open” means.

They needed 150 hours of operation in six months. They had… maybe 50? Depending on how hard you squint. Councilor Graskey brought actual math to the table (shock!), proving they’d fall short even if they opened 24/7 with a GoFundMe for lightbulbs.

💬 Real Quotes, Real Head-Scratchers:

“We’ll actually hit our 150 hours prior to the expiration… I figured you guys could just figure out a way to verify it at the end of the month.”
— Roderick Pettycourt, Centerfolds applicant, confidently outsourcing math to the city

“I never lose a golf ball because I never hit them far enough. I can find them.”
— Councilor Jack Sweeney, providing insight into his short game and even shorter patience

“It’s just like a series of naps if you’re lucky.”
— Councilor Tylor Elm, defining both new parenthood and council meetings

“I want nothing to do with you, Tyler.”
— Councilor Anderson, opening the meeting with pure vibe-based hostility

“You didn’t leave your writings on the wall, did you?”
— Councilor Graskey, referencing jail graffiti like it’s local art appreciation

“I’m GQ worthy.”
— Councilor Tylor Elm, clearly dressing for the job he wants—fashion icon of dysfunction

Mayor Paine added a TED Talk for no reason:

“It’s almost like a jury where you determine the standard of evidence… Keep in mind, these are not things that we hand out, as I’m sure you know. We don’t hand these out to just anybody.”
— Jim Paine, making sure everyone remembers the strip club license isn’t a cereal box prize

🐕 Mayor Paine’s Dumbest Committees (So Far)

Let’s take a detour down Delusion Drive and review some of the mayor’s greatest committee hits:

🐾 The Dog Poop Committee

Yes. This happened. An actual committee formed to address the epidemic of dog droppings in Superior’s parks. Because picking up poop is apparently a legislative matter now.

🏞️ Mayor Paine’s Land Trade Committee

This is the one where the city swaps prime real estate like kids trading Pokémon cards, but everyone’s blindfolded and half the cards are blank.

🪞 The “Jenny for Council Again” Committee

Not officially announced, but it’s as obvious as Jim Paine’s committee addiction. Rumor is the mayor’s forming a soft-launch campaign group to get his old ally (wife) Jenny Van Sickle back on the dais. Honestly, if this turns into a spinoff, we’ll need popcorn.

🧙 Priority Space Budgeting Committee

This wasn’t a typo. Mayor Paine said this with his whole chest:

“This is what I call the magic wand exercise. If money were no object… you can suggest everything. Be free of responsibility.”
Translation: We’re budgeting like it’s a middle school vision board.

🏌️‍♂️ Meanwhile in Golfland…

The council formally recreated a golf committee that already existed. Because when in doubt, make a memo. Even Councilor Sweeney gave a little speech:

“I think people have done a good job on the golf committee. It’s a good committee. It just has some good glory to it.”
“Glory” and “committee” in the same sentence? Sir, please.

Mayor Paine, who originally opposed the committee, did a full 180:

“It’s been an extraordinarily valuable partnership… more than my golf advice.”
A humble brag no one needed, especially the taxpayers.

🛠️ In Summary: The Soup Bowl Runneth Over

• Centerfolds: Closed for lack of evidence that they exist outside a dusty liquor license.

• Council: Argued like it was the U.N. Security Council but about strip hours.

• Mayor Paine: Formed three new committees before lunch, two of which involve fantasy, and one that may just be a cardboard cutout of Jenny Van Sickle.

🎯 Mic Drop

Jim Paine’s Superior isn’t run by decisions—it’s run by distraction. You want lead pipe replacement? You get a golf committee. You want economic development? You get a task force to discuss dog turds. You want transparency? You get a committee with no meeting notes and a Dropbox link that hasn’t worked since 2021.