Soupnutz City Budget Breakdown: Jim’s Budget Circus Rolls Into Town – Satirical Version

A Budget, a Bond, and a Bag of Hot Air

Mayor Jim Paine—Superior’s very own budget barista—served up a piping hot 2026 budget at October’s City Council meeting, and boy, did it come with foam art, a few bitter sips, and a debt shot that’ll hit your bloodstream in 2027.

In a three-hour verbal interpretive dance routine, Paine described everything from firehouse dreams to golf course sprinklers as if he was auditioning for a TED Talk at a Rotary Club.

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Headline: “Superior Mayor Announces Budget with Lower Taxes—Just Don’t Ask About 2027”

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The Budget, The Myth, The Mantra

Jim calls this “the most important policy of the year.” Cute. Because what screams “life-altering policy” more than $20K for firefighter therapy and $13,000 in “contingency” couch cushion change?

But hey, there’s good news: The city’s decreasing the levy by 1.55%. A miracle, right? Just don’t read the fine print: that’s thanks to debt falling off the books like dandruff—not because anyone pulled off fiscal sorcery.

Translation: The city paid down debt, not because they had a plan, but because they ran out of ways to pretend bonding wasn’t inevitable. Now they’re bonding $14 million for a new fire station and to water the golf course like it’s Augusta National.

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Bondage and Budget Games

Let’s talk about the $14 million bond package.

• • $10M for a new fire hall because the old one’s probably built on asbestos and PTSD.

• • $4M for golf course irrigation, which is somehow so important it gets a general obligation bond—because if there’s one thing this town won’t survive, it’s crispy greens.

Even better? The golf course might repay some of that money “someday.” In other words, the city is cosigning a loan for that friend who swears they’re starting a business… just as soon as they finish their MLM training.

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Cops on Discount: Now Hiring Interns!

The budget funds part-time “community police officers.” These aren’t real cops. No badge. No gun. Just fresh-faced college kids in uniforms doing “community-oriented tasks.” Sounds adorable until you realize it’s just underpaid gig work disguised as a pipeline to a job that doesn’t exist yet.

Paine calls it a smart investment. We call it Cop-A-Lite™.

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Lead Pipes? Shhh. We’ll Get There in 2028 When Jim’s Gone

Despite mountains of federal attention to lead pipe replacement, Superior’s throwing… wait for it… $100K at it in 2026 and a beefy $400K in 2027. Not exactly Flint-level urgency.

Why? Because SWLP’s current lead replacement zone is getting “100% loan forgiveness” — which translates to: “Someone else is paying, so we don’t have to give a damn.”

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Tourism Jobs, Swag Bags, and the Magical Mystery Museum

• • The new Tourism Coordinator is part-funded. Just enough to put the position on life support, not enough to let it walk.

• • The city will now honor long-serving employees with more than a pin. Mayor Paine wants to give them “substantial” swag. Did someone say embroidered Carhartt?

• • Meanwhile, our newly acquired museums got a budget full of make-believe numbers and a staff that’s expected to do their own fundraising. Translation: Here’s your keys, now pass the collection plate.

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Fantasy Projections and Economic Unicorns

Despite Councilor Fennessey playing the role of Budget Dad (“Are we actually accounting for this $14M loan?”), Paine shrugs and leans on historical averages like a teenager explaining why they didn’t study for the test.

“It’s just an average projection,” Paine said, sipping from his mystery mug, probably filled with hopium.

The whole budget relies on the idea that expenses will only grow 1.75% a year—a number more magical than Hogwarts accounting. It’s a “projection,” not a “plan,” which is city hall code for “We’ll fix it next year, pinky swear.”

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The Real Priorities, According to This Circus Tent:

• • Top Budget Winner: Economic development fund (still vague as hell).

• • Firefighter mental health (because apparently a decade of watching Paine in meetings has taken its toll).

• • Bus service, maybe, if the DTA stops ghosting.

• • Street repairs? Yeah, no extra cash. Potholes are forever.

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Final Crossing Signal

Jim’s budget performance was less “policy presentation” and more “Filibuster: The Musical.” He talks a good game—about “responsibility,” “transparency,” and “flexibility”—but the house of cards is built on grant luck, vague optimism, and about $14 million in duct tape.

He leaves us with a balanced budget today. Just ignore the tsunami of bond payments and other IOUs hitting in 2027 and beyond. But hey, at least there’ll be swag.

#TheSurplusJimBuilt (out of Enbridge’s pockets)

#TelegramTributeNotJournalism

City Council Meeting 10.7.25 PDF\

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What Should Superior Do With Its “Oil-Soaked Surplus”?

Bottle the surplus and sell it as “Paine’s Premium Pipeline Perfume.”Open a “Museum of Imaginary Revenue Streams.”Plant money trees at City Hall and hope they bloom by 2027.Replace one lead pipe and call it “Infrastructure Week.”Double down—add a hot tub to the golf course and name it “Jim’s Jacuzzi of Fiscal Responsibility.”

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