Let’s just say the Superior Police Department didn’t need a breathalyzer to know Ms. Linda West was in outer orbit—they probably could’ve lit her on fire with a Bic lighter and a whiff of her breath. Picture it: a 54-year-old sixth-grade math teacher and ex(?)-union prez, swerving like she’s trying to connect the dots in an Etch A Sketch at 60 MPH, then pulling into a rest stop like it’s happy hour at the local PTA meeting.

“I Smell Booze, Ma’am” – Officer Obvious

According to Officer Finkbeiner (because no one with that name isn’t in law enforcement), West had the Big 3: slurred speech, glassy eyes, and the scent of “intoxicants”—which sounds like something pirates drink, but it’s Wisconsin, so we know it’s just rail vodka in a Kwik Trip cup.

And what was Linda’s response when asked for ID? Did she comply like a good citizen? Nope—she demanded they turn their lights off. Because obviously, drunk logic dictates if the cops can’t see you, they can’t arrest you. That’s preschool-level hide-and-seek strategy.

Eventually, it took three officers to pry her out of her Jeep like a toddler being dragged out of a ball pit. She blew a 0.19—which is not only double the legal limit, it’s also the kind of number math teachers like her are usually grading, not achieving.

Not My Circus, Not My Union

Now here’s the plot twist: the teacher-union-presidency confusion. At first, Linda West was introduced as the president of the Superior Teachers Union. But enter Kyle Smith, the man with all the answers—except he won’t give you any. This guy called the paper like a paranoid ex, asking for corrections but refusing to clarify jack.

According to him, Linda was the president… like three years ago. Or two. Or… something. He dances around the timeline like he’s auditioning for Footloose. When John asks who the current president is, Kyle, with the transparency of a fogged-up bathroom mirror, goes, “I am. But don’t print my name. Also don’t quote me. Also fix your story.” Kyle, buddy, if you wanted to stay anonymous, maybe don’t call a journalist and say “quote me but don’t quote me.”

Meanwhile in Nepotismville: Sheriff’s Wife Goes Dukes of Hazzard

Let’s rewind to Family Fun Days, that quaint festival where adults get wasted while pretending it’s all about the kids. Enter Lindsay Izzard, wife of Sheriff Matt “Law-and-Order” Izzard. Lindsay decided to celebrate by flipping a Cadillac SUV like she was auditioning for Fast & Furious: DUI Drift. She registered a .167 BAC, crawled out of the wreckage, and—miraculously—wasn’t injured. Her only crime? Crushing a Ford Fusion and public dignity.

She eventually pleaded no contest to OWI, paid a $1,006 fine, got a 7-month timeout from driving, and—shock of all shocks—avoided harsher penalties despite blowing nearly the same BAC as a Molotov cocktail.

No interlock system, no property damage charges. Just a slap on the wrist and a polite escort to Aunt Mary’s car, who swore she was sober. Which is the Wisconsin equivalent of someone yelling “I got this!” while opening a third beer at noon.

Where’s the Local Media? Probably At the Bar.

And while all this mess is playing out like a Jerry Springer: Municipal Edition, the Superior Telegram and Duluth News Tribune are MIA like it’s their job to not report anything that makes the sheriff’s office or school system look like a fraternity kegger.

Seriously, both incidents went under the radar until the Duluth Monitor said, “Hold my Leinie’s.”

Final Equation: Drunk Math Teacher + Sheriff’s Wife + Media Silence = Wisconsin Political Hangover

So, let’s tally it up:

• One math teacher who teaches fractions while operating at nearly 1/5 alcohol by volume.

• One sheriff’s wife who plays bumper cars with parked vehicles.

• A local press more interested in cat adoption stories than holding public servants accountable.

And the public? Still waiting for someone to act like an adult in a town full of people who drive like toddlers in a power wheel after chugging Boone’s Farm.

Welcome to Superior, where the only thing under control is the breathalyzer. And even that’s starting to get suspicious.

Wanna bet who gets a plea deal next?