Meeting or A Localized Psychedelic Trip?
Opening Credits: Welcome to “The Blair Glitch Project”
If you had the blessed misfortune of skipping Superior, Wisconsin’s Special Common Council Meeting, count your blessings and go buy a lottery ticket. You just avoided watching democracy LARP in real time.
It wasn’t a meeting—it was a live-action reboot of “Waiting for Godot,” but Godot is city infrastructure and he ghosted. Again.
Civic Pizza Party, Hold the Governance
Picture this: an awkward round of verbal ping-pong about “tree planting,” “six-packs,” and “dinner plans”—all during a government meeting allegedly about policy.
What kind of six-pack were they referring to? Certainly not a six-pack of viable ideas. Maybe beer, maybe abs, but definitely not competence. That left the building with Elvis.
These folks weren’t planning a city. They were planning a sleepover. With less cohesion.
The Master Plan—Now Available in Fiction & Fantasy
Ah yes, the Master Plan. That sacred scroll of “wishful thinking” no one’s read past the preface. Like discovering your grandpa’s 1964 yearbook and deciding it should guide modern urban policy.
“This could be some good reading,” said one overly optimistic council member, brushing off decades of irrelevance like it’s fine dust, not institutional rot.
Good reading? Maybe. If you’re into Cold War-era zoning codes and street designs optimized for leaded gas and white flight.
The real plan being followed in Superior?
The Jim & Tylor™ Vision Board:
No public accountability
Yes to vanity projects
Massive YES to pet priorities financed by your tax dollars
And lies? Oh, baby—we’re two-for-two: Jim Paine and his self appointed budget buddy Tylor Elm have both been caught saying one thing and bankrolling another.
This ain’t planning. It’s tax-funded improv theater where your money plays dead while ribbon cuttings and LinkedIn posts take center stage. $9,000,000 Million climbing daily.
Sneak Peek: Fiscal Responsibility (LOL) Article Incoming…
And guess what? We’re cracking open the Master Plan in our upcoming Fiscal Responsibility Dumpster Dive.
Spoiler alert: the only thing that’s been accurate so far is the part where Jim Paine and Tylor Elm treat your money like Monopoly cash with their faces on it.
We’ll follow the breadcrumbs of your budget right to the golden litter boxes of their pet projects. Bring gloves. And a calculator. Or a barf bag.
Jim’s Emotional Support Cronies
Let’s meet the cast of this small-town political sitcom that somehow keeps getting renewed:
“Shifty” – Not a secretary Scherf. Just happens to micromanage like Stalin in a sweater vest.
Garner “Promise to Pay” Moffat – Got 200 votes in a three-way race and calls it a mandate. Sir, your win was statistically almost a clerical error, and you forgot to tell the voters about your promise in St Louis County.
Tylor “the Liar” Elm – AKA the mayor’s emotional support pet. Bobs his head so much during meetings, chiropractors now sponsor his reelection campaign.
Lindsey “Grain Silo” Graskey – The City Council President who treats open meeting laws like a “suggested speed limit.”
Nick “Participation Trophy” Ledin – Has a degree and a syllabus. Now if only he had a spine. Everyone’s favorite teaching Amoeba.
This ain’t governance. This is a cable access version of The Office, minus the budget and plus a strong whiff of Axe Body Spray.
Quotes You Can’t Unhear
Directly from the Department of Cringe and WTF:
“I have a six-pack.” — Of excuses?
“I’m going to be talking to my girlfriend tonight.” — Please keep that off the record… and the calendar.
“They’re just creeping around your house.” — We hope this was about raccoons.
“It’s a gift. It’s a gift. It’s just a gift.” — That’s also what people say right before an indictment.
“Yes, the Master Plan.” — Not the magazines in your dad’s closet.
“The short answer is, no.” — This should be engraved on the front door of City Hall.
And our favorite:
“To anybody watching on YouTube, you’re about to lose access…”
Translation: “Democracy is being unplugged. Please enjoy this technical difficulty instead.”
The Tech Test Heard Round the Room-Temperature IQ
Five times. Five. They said:
“We’re going to do a quick test. We’re going to learn in about 30 seconds if this works.”
This wasn’t a tech test. This was a seance for competence. Spoiler alert: the ghost never showed.
Praise Be: The Lead Pipes Get the Axe
Amid all the gibberish and electronic sorcery, one moment of not-sucking occurred: The council voted to fund lead pipe removal (already approved by the legislature great job at joining the big kids table.)
That means children in Superior might finally stop drinking water with the nutritional value of a penny.
It’s something most functioning cities did a decade ago, but hey, we don’t kink shame progress.
Even Rubber Stamp Ruth, the Mayor’s Budget Bros, and Professor “Extra Credit, No Courage” voted in favor finally after the legislature approved it. Miracles still happen, folks. Even in the Clown Council of Superior.
Lead Pipes Out, Lead Brains Stay
Let’s not pop champagne just yet. A single decent vote doesn’t erase the flaming dumpster of performative governance, unaccountable cronies, and vintage policy documents that should’ve been buried with Nixon’s career.
Superior doesn’t need a new Master Plan.
It needs new masters.
