⚡ Welcome to Superior: Home of the First Annual Taser & Toxic Tap Water Festival! ⚡

🎉 Because Nothing Says “Community Spirit” Like Mild Electrocution and Heavy Metal Hydration

After years of failed festivals, flopped fireworks, and enough tax dollars vaporized to fund a small Mars colony, the City of Superior may have finally stumbled onto a winning idea:

🥁 Drumroll please… A Taser Festival.

Yep. Because when you can’t get tourists to show up for “Brewfest,” “Winterfest,” or the brief fever dream known as “Tall Ships on Ice,” it might be time to zap things up a notch.

⚡ TASE-PERIOR 2025: A Festival of Shocks and Regrets

🛻 What’s On the Agenda?

• Opening Ceremony: Mayor Jim Paine gets tased by a budget shortfall while dressed as a Tesla coil.

• Main Event: “Tase Me, Bro!” Challenge — Local politicians line up to get shocked until they admit they never read the grant paperwork.

• Kids’ Tent: Rubber Stamp Ruth reads bedtime stories about HUD funds—every page ends with “Approved!”

And yes, for VIP ticket holders:
You’ll get a front-row seat at the dunk tank filled with “reused” canal water and abandoned grant applications.

💧Hydration Station: “The Lead Chug Championship”

But wait—what’s a Midwest festival without a good ol’ fashioned drinkin’ contest?
Except this one’s got a little more zing to it—like drinking from a vintage Flint sampler pack.

Contest Rules:

• Competitors must chug Superior’s finest tap water—direct from unremediated lead pipes.

• Winner gets free dental fillings and a bronze statue in front of City Hall (made from actual lead sediment).

• Sponsored by “Let’s Wait Another Year Plumbing Solutions.”

City Council will be in attendance—some as judges, most as deniers.

🛑 Lindsey Graskey to DJ Between Violations

Council President and Grain Elevator Enthusiast™ Lindsey Graskey will spin between sets under a disco ball shaped like an open meeting complaint. Entry to her set is $4.3 million in general obligation bonds.

🧂 Garnish with Corruption, Serve with a Smile

The festival will also offer:

• Deep-fried budget amendments.

• Tylor Elm bobbleheads (they nod every time Jim Paine speaks).

• Photo ops with Rebecca Scherf dressed as a grant application nobody read.

🎇 Closing Fireworks (Pending Approval from the Fire Department & Budget Committee)

Or we just light leftover campaign signs on fire and call it performance art.

🧨 Final Shock to the System

If Superior can’t build a functioning city event with beer, bratwurst, and a lake view—maybe it’s time to embrace what we do have: unchecked government egos, failing infrastructure, and enough taser-ready tension to power an entire power grid (minus the permits).

So here’s to Tase-perior 2025 — shocking the system one festival at a time.