Ah, Mayor Jim Paine, gracing the Public Service Commission hearing with all the finesse of a juggling act where none of the balls stay in the air. His performance wasn’t so much a defense of Superior’s water rates as it was a comedy of errors starring questionable claims, borrowed evidence, and a cameo from his wife-slash-city-councilor. Let’s dive into the highlights—or, perhaps more accurately, the lowlights.

The Claim That Won’t Quit

Jim’s main talking point? “Superior has the highest water rates in Wisconsin.” He repeated it so many times you’d think he was trying to manifest it into reality. Unfortunately, reality refused to cooperate. When asked if his comparisons included pesky little details like taxes or infrastructure costs, Jim pulled a classic:
Attorney: “Do the water rates incorporate taxes and other costs?”
Jim: “Uh, I guess I don’t know.”
Translation: “I came here to complain about water bills, not to understand them.”

This lack of preparation left Jim flailing. He clung to the idea that “I know what people are paying” as if it were a magical talisman, blissfully ignoring the fact that water rates are a little more complicated than just looking at a bill. Repeating it louder doesn’t make it truer, Jim—it just makes it awkward.

Exhibit Paine-1: A Chart of Convenience

Now we get to the showstopper: Exhibit Paine-1, Jim’s alleged smoking gun. This chart was supposed to back up his big claims about water rates. But, surprise! It wasn’t even his. Nope, this masterpiece was actually cobbled together by none other than his wife, Councilor Jenny Van Sickle, for a completely unrelated purpose.

At first, Jim implied he created it, only to backpedal when questioned:
“Oh, no, my wife made it. But, like, I could have made it if I wanted to.”
Could have, Jim? This is a public hearing, not your kid’s science fair. Maybe next time, submit evidence you actually made instead of borrowing from the family Google Drive.

And what about those yellow highlights on the chart? Surely they were relevant, right? Not exactly. When the judge asked, Jim admitted:
“The highlights? Oh, they don’t have anything to do with this case. It was just easier to leave them in than to make a new document.”
Because nothing screams professionalism like recycling unrelated evidence. Reduce, reuse, regret.

The Awkward Truth About Jenny

Here’s where things get truly bizarre. Jenny Van Sickle isn’t just Jim’s wife—she’s also a city councilor. But the kicker? She doesn’t technically live with him. She keeps a separate address to remain eligible for her council seat. So, let’s recap: the chart Jim relied on was created by his wife, who doesn’t even live at the same address, but somehow their lives—and political ambitions—managed to intersect just enough to produce Exhibit Paine-1. Small-town politics, meet The Odd Couple: Municipal Edition.

Does this make the “wife provided the key evidence” angle even sketchier? Absolutely. It’s giving off more red flags than a Fourth of July parade. A spouse who doesn’t share your address but conveniently supplies your critical hearing materials? That’s not a great look, Jim.

The Dollar-for-Dollar Debacle

When asked if Superior’s water rates could really be compared “apples to apples” with other municipalities, Jim stood firm:
“It’s dollar for dollar!”
This, despite admitting moments earlier that he had no idea how other cities calculate their rates. In Jim’s world, a dollar spent on water in Superior is the same as a dollar spent anywhere else, no matter what that dollar includes. Taxes, fees, unicorn maintenance? Who cares—it’s all the same to Jim.

The Takeaway

Mayor Jim Paine’s testimony wasn’t just a flop—it was a spectacle. Between recycling his wife’s unrelated work, fumbling basic questions about water rates, and trying to bluff his way through a factually shaky argument, Jim managed to turn a serious hearing into a small-town political sitcom.

Here’s some free advice, Jim: next time, bring your own evidence, leave your wife’s spreadsheet (and separate address) out of it, and maybe learn how water rates actually work before you take the stand. Otherwise, the only thing Superior residents will be drowning in is irony—and you’ll be the one holding the hose.